


strangers again

by cherstandish



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Break Up, Break Up Talk, Falling Out of Love, Heartbreak, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Mentioned Kim Seungmin, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Beta Read, POV Hwang Hyunjin, What Have I Done, hyunjin cries a lot on this, i'm sorry ji, if you blink you miss seungbin and chan too, jisung gets his heart broken, like very briefly if you blink you miss him, like... a lot, slight nsfw, so... merry christmas?, this is 9k of pure angst i'm so sorry to everyone who's gonna read this, this was supposed to be a secret santa gift
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:55:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21954013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherstandish/pseuds/cherstandish
Summary: After four years of a happy relationship, Hyunjin realises he's not in love anymore.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin
Comments: 18
Kudos: 62





	strangers again

**Author's Note:**

> so.  
> this is a christmas gift to taiiih aka caratstay_ on twitter!! hope you like this, probably it isn't of your main ship but i hope i had guessed it right!! hehe. feliz natal <3  
> title and overall inspo for this comes from strangers again by against the current.  
> disclaimer: english is not my first language and this wasn't edited or beta read so i apologize in advance for any errors you may find!  
> with this said, enjoy your reading (* ^ ω ^)

Hyunjin wakes up one morning feeling incredibly confused.

He tries to remember what did he do last night. Okay, he did go out with his friends, and had a few drinks, but then didn’t because Jisung got piss off drunk and passed out on Changbin’s couch, so he had to drive back home.

Jisung…

Right, Jisung. Jisung is sleeping like a baby in between his arms. Jisung, his boyfriend of four years who he loves so much. His boyfriend, who was drunkenly bragging about him and how does he has the best boyfriend in the entire world, and Hyunjin just laughed and tried to shrug it off.

(“I may be drunk, but I still love you very much, Jinnie, you k-know right?” he then said from the back of Hyunjin’s car, breaking the comfortable silence that had settled up between the two. “And tomorrow I’ll be sober, and with a hangover from hell, but you’ll still be fucking beautiful, and I’ll still be in love with you.”)

He loves Jisung. He does, right?

Slowly, Hyunjin untangles himself from the mess of unconscious limbs that is the black haired male, trying not to wake him up. He needs the rest, Hyunjin thinks as he finally gets out and looks at him, sleeping soundly and drooling on the pillow. He looks adorable, and Hyunjin cannot help but laugh a little. He buries his fingers in the soft, black strands of hair, caressing Jisung’s head and cheek for a while before heading out to the kitchen to try and make some breakfast for the two.

Still, he can’t shake off that unsettling feeling he woke up with.

He tries to, anyways. It’s probably hunger, so, once he’s in the kitchen, Hyunjin decides to start the coffee maker while searching for food that won’t make him burn the entire floor.

He settles for toast. He can do that, right?

Hyunjin is halfway through successfully making two pieces of toast and excitedly filming a video for Seungmin to show him he’s not a total loss at the kitchen, when a sheepish, sleepy voice behind him startles him.

“Ugh… Babe, is that you?” Jisung drags his voice, and he sounds like he’s probably dying inside. The consequences of drinking soju like its plain water, Hyunjin thinks. “Fucking hell, I think I’m still drunk. Is that coffee?”

Suddenly, Hyunjin feels arms being thrown around his waist and the warmth of Jisung’s favorite throw blanket against his back, and hears a light chuckle coming out from the smaller male’s mouth.

“Yeah, it’s you, Jinnie,” he says, and Hyunjin feels that uneasy, awkward feeling on his guts again. Jisung tiptoes to kiss his cheek from behind, and Hyunjin laughs nervously. It’s unsettling. He has never feel that way when it comes to Jisung. What’s going on with him? “Making breakfast, babe?”

The pet name makes him want to gag and vomit everything he has ever eaten for his entire life. “Who else would I be, then, Ji?” Hyunjin tries to joke, to laugh the unsettling feelings pooling in his tummy off. And, gladly, Jisung laughs along. The boy hasn’t noticed the awkward air around them, or probably it’s just Hyunjin.

Slowly, he untangles himself again from his boyfriend’s arms, excusing himself to get some cups and plates for the both of them. He, still, refuses to look at Jisung.

Hyunjin doesn’t know why he’s so unwilling to look at Jisung. He has always joked that dating Jisung is just an excuse to keep looking at him without being creepy, and that all the boyfriend stuff is just an extra. He loves looking at Jisung.

Hyunjin loves Jisung, he really does. He’s in love with his boyfriend, right? He shouldn’t be doing everything to avoid looking at him.

Hyunjin hears rustling and shuffling of chairs behind him, and he knows Jisung is probably having trouble to seat, giving the fact that he’s probably still drunk.

“I think I shouldn’t be giving you coffee,” Hyunjin says, pouring the black liquid into one of the cups and then hot water from the kettle. Americano, just like Jisung likes it. Hyunjin knows his order by heart.

He, finally, turns around, and faces his boyfriend. Jisung has his blanket enveloped around his body, making him look like he’s even smaller than he actually is. His face is flushed and his cheeks, chubby, are tinted a slight pastel pink. It’s the same exact way Jisung looks everytime he wakes up, tired and small and adorable. But still… he looks different. It is Jisung, but at the same time... it isn’t. It’s like Hyunjin has been asleep, blacked out, sleepwalking all that time, like there was a veil covering his eyes all this time and it’s lifted finally, so he can see the real Jisung. It doesn’t make sense. Who did he fall in love with, then, if it wasn’t Jisung?

Hyunjin leaves the cup of coffee and a small plate with the two pieces of toast in front of him, but the black haired male isn’t even focusing on the food. Jisung is looking at Hyunjin like it’s the first time he has ever looked at him, like he hung all of the stars in the sky. His doe, big, round and pretty eyes look at Hyunjin and they are filled with so much love, a soft, small smile drawn on his lips.

Hyunjin feels uneasy. He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve Jisung.

He knows what he should do next. He should reach him from across the kitchen table and kiss him, smile against his lips and whisper an “I love you” to them. He should sit across him and force him to eat and then jokingly scold him for drinking too much last night. He should hold his hand while he’s eating, stare at him in awe while he stuffs his face with food and looks even more like a little squirrel.

But Hyunjin doesn’t do any of that. Instead, his eyes fill with tears and, before he can stop it, he’s covering his face with his hands and softly sobbing.

“Hyunjin? Hey, Jinnie, what’s going on?” he hears Jisung from a distance, and then he’s being held by the smaller male. “Baby, baby, look at me. What happened? Are you okay?”

And Hyunjin allows himself to be held by Jisung, rests his head in his shoulder and it makes him cry harder, as he, finally, realises what was the weird feeling he couldn’t shake off.

Hyunjin doesn’t love Jisung anymore.

\--

Before being boyfriends, they were best friends.

Way before that, Hyunjin and Jisung hated each other with a burning passion.

They met in middle school, Jisung was the new kid introduced in their second year. Hyunjin used to think Jisung was incredibly nosy, annoying and always picked fights with everyone, even if he was 4’6 and had no physical strength to actually survive any of the fights. Specially, he particularly enjoyed annoying Hyunjin. Jisung always got in his nerves, for no special reason, apparently. “You’re just fun to bug, I guess,” he answered one day when Hyunjin, fed up, confronted him. “You always seem like you’re gonna cry even if I tell you that your favorite color is ugly.”

(Hyunjin did cry after that, though. He was a sensitive boy, after all.)

Han Jisung was an annoying and mean bully, and Hyunjin made sure to remember him that he was. They fought for even the smallest things, like a pencil dropping from any of their desks; whenever they were paired up for school work they couldn’t get anything done because they were too busy screaming their throats out at each other, and soon their teachers knew it was better to keep them away from each other. Still, the tension between them was palpable.

“There’s so much tension between you and Han Jisung that people cannot even walk when the two of you are two feet apart,” Seungmin told him one day at lunch. “I’m just waiting for you two to cut each other’s throats, or start kissing in the hallways.”

Hyunjin would just make a face at that last phrase, and stuff another kimbap into his mouth. 

What he didn’t know was that he would be closer to Han Jisung than he ever wanted to be.

It was after school, a Friday afternoon, while Hyunjin was waiting for Seungmin to come back from his baseball practice. They were going back to Seungmin’s place, watch a few movies and have a sleepover, like they were used to do for the last 10 years since they’ve met each other.

Hyunjin was walking down the school hallway, bored out of his mind and scrolling down his social media, when he bumped into a strong chest and heard a scoff. Oh, no.

Carefully, he looked up to see one of his seniors, a guy taller and more buff than he will ever be, looking down at him. Next to him, there was one of his friends, looking pretty uninterested on what was unfolding in front of him. Hyunjin stepped back quickly and bowed to them, gulping. He hoped that the boys would continue with their way, that they won’t mind that Hyunjin bumped with one of them, that they would leave him alone. Hyunjin wasn’t really a target for older bullies because he had Seungmin by his side and he was somehow popular, so he never had to worry about that. Well, until now.

“Mind your steps, kid,” the first guy said, rolling his eyes. Hyunjin nodded and bowed again, mumbling a ‘sorry, _sunbaenim_ ’. “What did you say, kid? I didn’t hear you.”

“S-sorry, _sunbaenim_. It-it won’t happen again,” Hyunjin said, this time louder, and the guy looked back at his friend. Suddenly, the second boy stepped forward and pushed Hyunjin, hard enough for him to stumble but gladly he didn’t fall. The seniors laughed, and Hyunjin knew he was screwed.

“Actually, we’re a little bored now, right, Minhyun?” the second guy said, his eyes shining with some malice on them. “I believe our _hoobae_ will be nice enough to let us play a little with him, right, kid?” he pushed him again and this time Hyunjin fell on the floor, breathing unevenly. _This is it_ , he thought. He was a goner.

Hyunjin stepped on his feet as quickly as he could and tried to run, but Sunwoo was already blocking the way, and quickly held him by the wrists, making Hyunjin yelp. “No running, coward. You’re staying here until we say so.”

“Hey, you fucking assholes,” a fourth voice appeared out of nowhere, behind Hyunjin, a voice he could recognize almost instantly. _Oh, hell no_ , he thought. _Not you._

All of the boys turned their heads to see Han Jisung walking towards them, a confidence that a small, thin 4’6 boy walking towards two 6’5 men shouldn’t be showing. “He’s mine, fuckers. No one is allowed to annoy this crybaby unless it’s me.”

Minhyun let go of Hyunjin, with such force that he fell to the floor, and approached Jisung. “Hey, Sunwoo, isn’t this the kid that tried to punch you last week?”

“He is.” The other boy, Sunwoo, sounded annoyed, and Hyunjin was confused. Had Jisung already had trouble with these two? “Han Jisung. I thought I scared you enough for you to get out of my fucking way, midget.”

“I had trouble with guys more threatening than you, man. Did you really thought I’d be scared by a dude that cannot even get into a physical fight? You’re all words but no actions, Sunwoo. You won’t even hurt crybaby over there,” Jisung sounded way too confident, Hyunjin thought, and he was about to scream for him to stop before he got beaten up. He only got out a little yelp, though, but kept staring at the boy in hopes he could see him trying to warn him about the dangers of messing with seniors taller than him.

Jisung caught his eye, and winked at him before continuing. “Anyways, as I was saying. Crybaby? He’s mine, friends, anyone else touches him and you’re all fucking dead. I’m serious.” Jisung was suddenly serious, now, his eyes darkened by something Hyunjin couldn’t decipher. “I claimed him. No one can hurt him, even more physically. Lay a finger on Hyunjin, you or any of your fucking friends, Sunwoo, and you’re dead.”

Hyunjin let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Was Han Jisung really protecting him from other bullies? The same Han Jisung that made fun of him until he started tearing up?

Sunwoo laughed dryly before pushing Jisung on the ground, so hard the younger let out a soft whine. “Then I’ll have to kick that insolence out of you, brat,” he scoffed, cracking his knuckles before holding Jisung by the tie. Hyunjin closed his eyes. Oh, no, he may really dislike Jisung, but he wasn’t gonna see him get beat up.

“I’d love to see you try,” Jisung laughed, and Hyunjin waited for the awful sound of a nose getting broken, or a punch, but it didn’t come. Instead, he heard a cough and a fifth person’s steps approaching the scene.

“You’re not doing anything, now, my friends,” Seungmin’s voice, colder than Hyunjin ever remembered, broke through the silence that had settled in between the group. “Let go of them, Sunwoo, you don’t really want another suspension to go into your files, right?”

Hyunjin opened his eyes. There was, standing there like an angel of sorts, Seungmin. Seungmin was shorter than everyone at that time and wore glasses, but he was using his “serious business” voice, and also held a baseball bat in between his hands, so Hyunjin would say he looked pretty intimidating then. God bless having the class president as your best friend, really. “I don’t have enough time to deal with all of you right now, so go.”

Sunwoo scoffed and pushed Jisung back into the ground, shooting a look at the three youngest before turning around and going the other way, followed by his friend. Hyunjin waited until they were gone to jump to his feet and run towards Seungmin, hugging him and kissing his cheek. Seungmin pushed him lightly and then held his face to check for probable bruises.

“Man, I left you alone for thirty minutes. Let go of me, I’m sweaty,” Seungmin said, giggling, but then his eyes focused on the other boy on the floor. He softly let go of Hyunjin and approached Jisung, a curious look in his eyes.

“Jisung-ah,” his voice wasn’t cold, now. It was soft, the same exact tone Seungmin used with Hyunjin when he’s comforting him. “How many times has this happened to you before?”

“A few times, but don’t worry, man, I’m okay. I’ve messed with bigger boys before,” Jisung answered, ignoring Seungmin’s hand that was extended to him. Hyunjin, slowly, approached them, slightly hiding behind Seungmin.

“Still, Jisung-ah. Why didn’t you report them?” Seungmin was worried, now, Hyunjin could feel. “It’s not okay they’re taking advantage of their _hoobaes_ like that. And you’re still a _hoobae_ , no matter how… problematic you are. They shouldn’t be doing this to you,” he scolded, crouching in front of Jisung and softly holding his face, probably looking for bruises, like he did to Hyunjin earlier.

“It’s okay, I’m okay, really… yah, I’m serious,” Jisung said, pouting, and Hyunjin had to suppress a chuckle. He’d never thought Jisung would look that adorable while pouting. “You guys don’t really have to do this, I’ll be fine.”

“But it shouldn’t be,” Hyunjin found himself saying, stepping forward and ignoring Seungmin’s small gasp. “From now on you won’t be bullied again, trust me.”

He extended his hand towards Jisung, and the boy hesitated a little before taking it, helping himself to get up. “That’s pretty impossible. How do you know that?”

“Because you’ll be hanging out with us now,” Hyunjin said, convinced. He didn’t knew why he was helping out the boy he supposedly hated, but Jisung saved him from a very possible beat up and he felt like he owed him something. 

“Are… are you sure? I mean, I haven’t been… the nicest to you. Why are you helping me?” Jisung asked, and Hyunjin shaked his head.

“You helped me right now, dummy. You just were nice to me, no matter how annoying you were before,” he said, chuckling. “You’ll have Seungmin by your side, that’s like having a personal bodyguard or something. Right, Seungminnie?”

Both boys smiled at each other and then looked at the brunet, Hyunjin almost pleading him with his eyes. After a few minutes, Seungmin got up and sighed, but he still smiled softly at them.

“But don’t get into too much trouble, okay, Jisung? I have enough headaches with this,” he pointed at Hyunjin, “right here.”

“Hey!” Hyunjin protested, but laughed anyways. Jisung laughed with both, and that was when Hyunjin realised he was still holding Jisung’s hand.

He didn’t want to let it go, though. It was warm and slightly comforting.

“Do you have something to do right now, Jisung-ah? Hyunjin and I were gonna head to my place and watch a few movies, if you’re down you can come with us,” Seungmin proposed, and Jisung excitedly nodded.

“I’m free, of course I’m down,” he said, and intertwined his fingers with Hyunjin’s. There was something about that movement that made his heart in his chest thump heavily. “Let’s go, then?” He tugged at Hyunjin’s hand, smiling at him, and his heart made that thing again. 

If Seungmin had noticed anything, he said nothing. He just smiled and started walking towards the school entrance.

“Come on, my mom’s already waiting outside.”

\--

Hyunjin is distressed. The ride home was incredibly unsettling, and he believes he almost ran over someone.

He needed to get out of Jisung’s apartment quickly. He left in between tears, leaving a very confused Jisung standing in his kitchen, and is currently ignoring all of Jisung’s calls and texts.

Hyunjin is still crying by the time he arrives to his own apartment building, hyperventilating and feeling really nauseous. It’s too much.

It’s way too much.

His phone rings again, Jisung’s contact name appearing in the screen. The way he has Jisung saved in his phone, the petname he made up for him all those years ago, the sun emoji he put on Jisung’s contact name a long time ago, makes Hyunjin want to vomit. And he does as soon as he’s in his apartment, running to the bathroom and puking everything he has in his stomach. His phone is still ringing, probably Jisung worried out of his mind, the sound of his ringtone piercing through his ears.

And he cries. Kneeling in the bathroom floor, Hyunjin sobs uncontrollably, choking on his own tears, and wants to scream because it’s too painful.

His chest hurts. It hurts so deeply, the realisation that he doesn’t love the man he believed would love him forever pierces through his chest and stabs his lungs, making it hard to breathe.

It hurts to breathe. He wants to stop breathing.

Hyunjin doesn’t realise how much time passes until Seungmin’s voice is heard through the closed bathroom door.

“Hyunjin? When did you get here? I thought you were spending the day with Jisung…” the mention of his name makes Hyunjin sob harder, and the doorknob starts shaking violently. “Hyunjin, are you okay? Jisung just texted me, said you ran out of his place crying… Jinnie, what’s wrong?”

Hyunjin doesn’t know how he manages to, but he gets up and unlocks the door, leading to a worried Seungmin entering the bathroom. His dirty blonde hair is messy, his cheeks are dusted with a slight pink color, he’s wearing a hoodie that Hyunjin recognises as one that belongs to Changbin and he can peep at a hickey on his neck.

The sight of it makes Hyunjin cry more. That’s how he was supposed to wake up that morning. Cuddled up to Jisung, wearing his hoodie, loving him more than he did the night before. But instead he’s crying in his bathroom floor, broken over the memory of a love he doesn’t feel anymore.

He throws himself into Seungmin’s arms, and Seungmin hugs him back. They stay like that for a few minutes, Seungmin humming into Hyunjin’s ear, trying to calm him down.

“Jinnie, what’s wrong?” Seungmin repeats, stroking his hair. “Did you have a fight with Jisung?” he asks, and Hyunjin lets out a hiccup.

“It’s-it’s not him…” he manages to say, in between hiccups and sobs. “Minnie, I…”

He’s about to say something, about to confess his newly found secret, when he lifts his head and sees Changbin looking at them across the hallway. He coughs and separates from his best friend, leaving him confused.

Hyunjin tries to wipe the tears on his face. He probably looks awful, bloated and swollen and redder than a tomato, but he tries his best to look normal. At this point, Jisung must’ve told him already, anyways.

“When hyung’s not here, please,” he mumbles, and Seungmin nods.

“Wait in your room. I’ll kick him out,” Seungmin says, and Hyunjin lets out a small chuckle before nodding at Changbin and running into his own room.

The first thing he notices is a picture of him and Jisung. Hyunjin was caught in the middle of laughter while Jisung was kissing his cheek, and he remembers the moment very clearly as soon as his eyes fall in the picture.

He was happy. They were happy. Hyunjin was in love.

Another sob breaks through him, making his entire body shake in pain, and he falls into the floor as he realises most of the pictures on his room are of Jisung. Him and Jisung, mostly only Jisung, his beloved camera capturing his best moments. Jisung is all over there, just when Hyunjin only wants to get rid of him. Of his memory.

He can barely hear Seungmin kicking Changbin out of their shared apartment over his own crying, and he starts hyperventilating again just as soon as the blonde hurriedly steps into the room, kneeling next to him and holding him in between his arms, stroking his hair and humming softly to help him calm down.

“It’s okay, Jinnie, I’m here,” Seungmin says, softly, hugging him tight. “Do you wanna tell me what happened, sweetie?” he asks, and when Hyunjin is only able to let out a broken sob, he nods. “Okay, I’ll wait. I’m here, don’t worry. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

He takes long 50 minutes to finally calm down, to allow Seungmin to pick him up and tuck him into bed. Seungmin gives him a plushie, his squirrel plushie, a gift from Jisung. Hyunjin looks at it, stares at it for a long time before throwing it out of the bed and deciding to hug a pillow instead, all under the shocked look of Seungmin.

“Right,” he finally says, after a few minutes of silence. “I’ll bring you a cup of tea.”

Seungmin comes back a few minutes later, holding a cup in between his hands. He leaves it in the side table and then sits by Hyunjin, helping him sit up and handing him the cup.

It feels warm in between his hands. He drinks from it, and it surely helps him. Not to feel better, but at least he feels somehow ready to talk to Seungmin about it.

“Mi-Minnie,” he starts, his voice sounding hoarse and not like his. “It… it is possible to stop loving someone? Out of nowhere?”

Seungmin takes a few seconds before answering. “Yes, people can fall out of love, just as they fall in love. It’s normal, though. Love isn’t forever, at least a few aren’t.”

“Have you ever felt… like that with Changbin hyung?” he asks, sounding kind of desperate. He needs to know, needs to know if he’ll ever be able to love Jisung again. Seungmin and Changbin had been together for two years, there had to be a moment in those two years where Seungmin felt like he didn’t love his boyfriend.

Sadly for him, Seungmin blushes and smiles. “I don’t think so… I do believe I’ll love Changbinnie hyung forever, or at least I hope so. Why are you asking, though…?” realisation dawns in his features as he figures out why Hyunjin is asking. “Oh..”

“Minnie,” he starts, feeling the tears filling up his eyes again. “Minnie, I think I don’t love Jisung anymore.”

There is a deafening silence in between the two, Hyunjin leaving the cup of tea, almost empty, in the side table and covering his face with his hands to cry again. Admitting it is more painful than just feeling it. Admitting it makes it real: he really doesn’t love Jisung anymore.

After he promised himself, he did, he was completely sure. Jisung is the love of his life, or at least he thought so a few years back. He promised himself (and Jisung) he’ll love him for life, that they’ll be together forever. They were supposed to move in together someway along the ride, probably even get engaged, graduate together, grow up together. Not just his boyfriend; Jisung is his best friend.

That reminder makes Hyunjin cry harder. Jisung is his best friend, has been for more than five years. He cannot lose his best friend, he cannot lose Jisung in that way.

He feels Seungmin’s arms around him again and lets himself cry again, safe in between the blonde’s arms.

He needs to teach himself how to love Jisung again.

\--

Loving Han Jisung is golden.

It feels like spending spring afternoons under the sun. Like eating fresh oranges out of his grandmother’s orange tree after swimming the entire day at the local pool. Like long, soft, warm fingers interlocking with his own, their hands fitting like they were made for each other. Like a heart shaped smile and a slightly crooked tooth, like the warm feeling settling in his stomach every time he saw that crooked tooth. Like soft, small lips against his own, long fingers holding his waist with so much care it feels almost surreal. Like soft “I love you”s whispered against each other lips, like desperate, wet kisses all along his neck and jawline, like waking up alongside him, the warm morning sun on his bare shoulder. Like falling asleep to the sound of his music making process, perched on his lap while he works on some songs. Like nights spent at the studio, joking and playing along. Like a soft, high pitched voice singing along to a song in the radio while driving to university, like a harsh but still high pitched voice rapping against his microphone, while Hyunjin is in the public looking amazed. Like bad jokes and the awkward silence that followed them. Like him complaining about how no one laughed to his jokes and Hyunjin laughing at his complaints.

Loving Han Jisung is warm, like the soft spring sun.

\--

Hyunjin tries.

It isn’t hard, right? It shouldn’t be. Falling in love with Jisung was simple.

And, at first, it looks like it works.

Hyunjin remembers how does it feel to love Jisung, so he pretends. His plan is pretending until he falls in love, until he feels all that love back. Seungmin thought it was a bad idea, that he should just come clean and end that relationship on good terms, but Hyunjin isn’t ready to let Jisung go. No, he is definitely not ready to let him go.

Besides, Hyunjin thinks it’ll be easy to fall in love with Jisung again. He did it once, he can do it again, right?

They fall into their normal relationship routine after that morning. Hyunjin excused himself saying he was stressed by school, and it all got to him that morning, and Jisung, sweet, sweet Jisung, believed him.

It’s all okay for a while. They go on dates again, hold hands on their way to their classrooms, kiss their cheeks before parting ways at campus, have breakfast together on weekends and Jisung laughs along to his jokes. Hyunjin still spends nights in the studio with Jisung, and drives him to uni every morning. They intertwine hands and cuddle while watching some old drama on the TV, they sing along to the Frozen soundtrack in the car while driving to the cinema. They go to friends get-alongs, smile widely when their friends tell them they look happier than ever, Hyunjin holds Jisung’s waist while he rests his head in his shoulder, and carries him in his back with care all the way back to the car when Jisung, again, decided that it was a good idea to drink soju like it was plain water. He smiles when Jisung tells him, all drunk and sleepy in the back of his car, that he loves him, and Hyunjin answers “I love you, too” even though the words burn when he says them and rip his throat out. It’s all good, for a few weeks. 

And it’s all good, until it’s not. Until Jisung kisses him one afternoon after Hyunjin drops him off at his own apartment building, and Hyunjin doesn’t feel the same fireworks he used to feel when they kissed. When he doesn’t long for his lips after he’s gone, when his hand doesn’t miss the long fingers and the comfortable warmth, when he definitely knows the spark is gone for good. When he cries again on the way home, when he arrives in tears directly to the bathroom to vomit again, when he’s choking on his own tears, kneeling on the bathroom floor, alone and shivering because he feels cold.

It’s cold.

And it all goes downhill from there.

Hyunjin feels uncomfortable when Jisung takes him out on dates more regularly, and tries to not intertwine their fingers when they’re walking to class. He tries to avoid the cheek kisses, and his laughter seems fake when he tells a really bad joke and they laugh together. The nights at the studio are tiring and bothersome, and driving to university is a daily torture. Hyunjin hates the dramas that Jisung chooses to see, hates the way Jisung curls on him because he’s heavy and it hurts his chest, and he stops putting the Frozen soundtrack on the car because it irritates him. Friends get-alongs are annoying, particularly when Chan tells them they’re such a good pair, a “match made on heaven”, and when Jisung gets drunk out of a few shots of vodka and starts preaching about his undying love for Hyunjin out loud at the restaurant and while everyone laughs, Hyunjin feels upset. Hyunjin has to help Jisung again when he gets drunk and drives slowly so he doesn’t puke in his car, and he’s not able to say “I love you” back when Jisung, drunkenly, says it.

Their relationship is a routine, he thinks that night in between tears at 3 AM in the roof of his apartment building, the cold air of Seoul drying the tears that cannot stop falling. 

They’re a routine.

And he wants out.

\--

“I got it!” Hyunjin said, excited, plopping off on their blanket. They were having a picnic on a park close to Jisung’s grandmother’s house, and they’ve already finished their chicken and apple juices. It was a sunny summer afternoon, but the sun was comfortable and warm and not scorching like other days, so Jisung thought it was a perfect day for a date after swimming at the local pool. Well, it wasn’t a date, at first. Seungmin and Jeongin (Hyunjin’s cousin that was visiting from Busan for the summer break and seemed to have a big crush on Seungmin, according to him) were actually invited, but Seungmin said he refused to third wheel like he did everytime, and Jeongin wanted to play videogames. “So, it’s you and me alone, baby. I’ll get my kiss today, then?” Jisung joked, and Hyunjin let go of his hand to punch him on the arm.

“Get what, Jinnie?” Jisung asked, curious, looking at him, with that pretty heart shaped smile he had. They were already into their third month of relationship, and being the first one Hyunjin ever had, he wanted to do everything right. Jisung already had a petname for him, from the first day: baby. Jisung always called him baby, even back then when they were friends, and even back then when they used to fight for everything. Hyunjin was looking for the perfect petname for his boyfriend, and felt bad because he just used to call him Ji or Sungie, while Jisung always called him by cute and cheesy names. (“It’s okay, you know, right? My name has never sounded so pretty like when you’re saying it,” Jisung would say, to which Hyunjin answered, “Still, I wanna call you something cute like what you call me, it’s not fair,” and Seungmin would pretend to puke.)

“Your petname. I’ll call you ‘sunshine’ from now on,” Hyunjin said, and his heart did a flip at the way Jisung seemed to light up. “You like it?”

“I love it,” Jisung answered, beaming brightly, making Hyunjin smile as well. “It’s beautiful, just like you. But why that nickname, baby?”

“Because,” Hyunjin looked at him, at the way the sun shone on his newly bleached blonde hair, at the way his dark brown eyes became golden under the sunlight, at his sunkissed skin and his bright heart shaped smile illuminating every single thing next to him, and his heart skipped a few beats. “I look at you, and it’s all I see.”

\--

Jisung is agitated. Hyunjin can feel it.

He had the stupid idea of going to study at Jisung’s place, on a hopeless try to make it seem like everything was going incredibly awesome between them, and quickly regretted it. Because Jisung had better plans for them than Hyunjin just wanting to find another place to study that wasn’t the library or his own flat, being the roommate of the most responsible person they both know. And Jisung spends an hour trying to distract Hyunjin from his studies, playing loud games on his phone, ordered food, being whiny because he is like fucking Tinkerbell and craved attention, and is currently lying in the couch and looking desperately at the ceiling, sighing loudly from time to time.

Not even the loud music on Hyunjin’s headphones block Jisung’s annoying groans, so he pauses the music and takes the headphones out, turning on the chair. “Okay, what the hell is wrong with you, Han Jisung?” he asks, more harsh than he was expecting to sound.

Jisung stands up, looking kind of hurt, and Hyunjin knows he fucked up. “Sorry, Ji…” he apologizes, and the black haired man shakes his head, walking over to him and holding his hands tightly, intertwining their fingers together. Hyunjin gulps and tries to avoid Jisung’s eyes.

“You’ve been stressed for over three weeks and it wasn’t even midterms week, baby. And I miss you,” he answers, sitting on his lap. Hyunjin tenses. He knows what exactly Jisung is trying to do. “I miss you so, so much, Hyunjin…” Jisung whispers against his ear, his long fingers playing with Hyunjin’s dangling earring, a gift from him on his 20th birthday. “Let me distract you for a while, okay? Let’s do something more fun than just studying.”

Jisung kisses him, then, his lips soft and demanding against Hyunjin’s, and he caves. His hands quickly find Jisung’s waist and he pulls him closer, the brush of their thighs making both of them gasp in between the kiss.

It’s probably a good idea. It is, Hyunjin thinks. He just probably needs that to make up his fucking mind already. So he pulls Jisung as close as he can get him, the breathy moan he makes when their bodies are flush together making his mind go haywire. It’s probably good, right? All of the reactions his body is making to Jisung. It’s a good sign, right?

They make out for what feels like an hour when Jisung breaks the kiss, breathless, and quickly starts kissing his way down to Hyunjin’s neck, making the eldest sigh contently as soon as Jisung’s lips are on his neck. Jisung knows all of his weak points so damn well, like the little freckle on his neck that he kisses repeatedly, making Hyunjin let out a small whine. “Sungie,” he breathes out, rolling his eyes as soon as he hears the younger’s small chuckle against his skin.

There’s a voice in his head that is telling him that what he’s doing is wrong, but Hyunjin shuts it out. He has never felt that good in months. His hands travel under the hemline of Jisung’s loose white shirt, caressing the skin on the small of his back and smirking when Jisung whines loudly. “God, you’re so sensitive,” he says, craning his neck, expecting more neck kisses, but Jisung takes him by surprise and kisses him again.

They kiss desperately, and it’s messy, Hyunjin burying his fingers on Jisung’s soft black hair. Hyunjin tries to chase the sparks he lost somehow, the feeling he loves so much about kissing Jisung, everything he somehow lost about their relationship in the past weeks, and it’s then when it clicks.

He cannot use Jisung like that.

Dear God, what was he thinking?

Hyunjin tries to shake off Jisung from him, but Jisung has already trapped him with his legs around his waist. He feels uncomfortable, and uses all of his physical strength to break the kiss. “Sung-Sungie,” he calls, panting, but Jisung is already back onto his neck, kissing and lightly sucking all around his skin. “Ji, please,” Hyunjin says, almost pleading, but apparently, Jisung doesn’t seem to listen. He also doesn’t notice the sudden shift on the atmosphere around them, nor Hyunjin’s sudden uncomfortable mood. “Jisung,” he says, finally pushing him off, enough to get him off his neck. “I’m serious.”

Jisung seems shaken. “Wait- you-you’re serious?”, he says, panting, looking at him, and the other nods. Hyunjin can notice how hurt he looks, by the way he’s starting to sulk, and he feels so bad. Imagining how he would have feel if he carried on with the whole thing…

“I’m-I’m sorry,” Hyunjin says, while Jisung stands up. He definitely feels hurt, Hyunjin can see it in his eyes, the way they’re watering… wait, no, Jisung is going to cry? “Jisung-”

“It’s the first time you have called me Jisung in this entire time,” Jisung says, lowering his glance to the floor, probably so Hyunjin doesn’t notice he’s feeling down. Hyunjin stands up quickly and walks to where he is, holding his face. Thank the heavens, he’s not crying, but he looks like he’s gonna break down in a few minutes.

And he’s right. Hyunjin hasn’t used “sunshine” to refer to Jisung ever since his… realization day, as he calls it. 

“Sorry, sunshine…” the words burn and hurt and rip his throat, and he tries to soak the word with the love he once used to say it, all of the feelings he is supposed to feel right now, but it comes out plain. Gladly, Jisung doesn’t seem to notice. “I shouldn’t had lashed at you.”

Hyunjin lightly caresses Jisung’s cheek before going to gather his things quickly, shoving them on his backpack. He hangs the backpack from one of his shoulders and looks at his boyfriend. Jisung is sulking, his lips trembling, and Hyunjin walks up to him to hold his hand. “I’m sorry, Ji. I should be heading home anyways,” he says, and Jisung nods. “I’ll make it up to you, I swear.”

Hyunjin lets go of him, turns around and is about to reach the doorknob when he feels Jisung’s hand on his again. “Hyunjinnie,” he starts, and Hyunjin turns around to see Jisung, looking smaller and more fragile than ever, and it breaks his heart. “Are… we are okay, right?” he asks in a small voice.

_No, no, we aren’t, I don’t even love you anymore_ , Hyunjin wants to scream, to get over with everything already, but he isn’t capable of. Not now, when Jisung looks at him with his big eyes, still watery and hurt and broken and it’s ripping Hyunjin to pieces.

Instead, he softly smiles and kisses his forehead. “We are,” he lies, lies to Jisung, lies to himself once again. “I’ll see you around.”

\--

Hyunjin throwed himself on Seungmin’s bed, smiling widely and hugging a small squirrel plush.

Seungmin just looked at him, sighed and went back to his book. “I don’t even wanna ask you who gave you that.”

“Jisungie won it for me on the local fair today,” he answered, beaming, “just because I told him it reminded me of him.” He showed his friend his plushie, but the brunet didn’t look up from the book. “Yah, Seungmin, pay attention to me!”

“I don’t wanna hear you gush about Jisung like you do every single day since you met him and not do absolutely nothing to solve that,” Seungmin answered, without looking up from his book. “I’d rather just kick you out of my house, but you would camp outside until I let you in again.”

Hyunjin pouted, crawling over to Seungmin and planting himself onto his lap, obstruding him from keep reading. “Pay attention to me, meanie!”

Seungmin closed his book and hitted him on the head, earning a yelp from the other boy. Hyunjin rolled from his lap and lied down on the other side of the bed, still holding the plushie hard in his arms. “Ouch, but what do you mean with ‘not do nothing to solve that’?” Hyunjin asked, curious.

Seungmin left the book in his bedside table and lied down next to his friend, arching one of his brows. “You guys have been dancing around each other for months, hell, even since you first met each other, and make me third wheel every single time I hang out with you two. I’m resorted to hang around Daehwi and his friends and I don’t _even_ like Daehwi’s friends,” Seungmin answers, sighing. “We even have a bet on which one of you both will admit you like the other first, and none of us are winning. So, do a favor to your best friend from since you were three, and please tell me you like him already.”

“But I don’t just ‘like’ him, Seungminnie,” Hyunjin whispered, turning to Seungmin, the smile still in his lips. “I think I love him.”

\--

**sunshine [17:15 hrs]**

we need to talk

**You [17:17 hrs]**

i’ll go to yours  
i’ve been needing to talk to you too

Jisung’s text is engraved on his mind from the time he received it. What does he want to tell him? Does he know already Hyunjin doesn’t love him anymore? Either way, Hyunjin is grateful, he thinks while driving to Jisung’s apartment. He needs to get over with it now. It’s been a month and a half of pure despair, of hating himself so much for not being able to love Jisung again, of feeling unhappy everytime Jisung touches him or kisses him or even tries to get him to sleep with him again. It’s been enough. He needs to stop holding onto something that has no way of being fixed.

Even if it hurts. He needs to let go of that broken relationship now.

He parks in front of the building and sighs, trying to calm his heart down. He thinks that it’ll be easy if it’s Jisung the one who breaks up with him, given the fact that he hasn’t been the best boyfriend in the past weeks. It’ll be easier, he thinks, because then he won’t have to break Jisung’s heart.

If there is something Hyunjin would despise to know, is that he was the responsible of breaking Han Jisung’s heart.

Jisung doesn’t deserve that. No, he definitely doesn’t.

Jisung doesn’t deserve Hyunjin at all.

Hyunjin enters the building and starts going up the stairs to the third floor, Jisung’s apartment floor. Saying that he’s nervous is an understatement. He’s about to break up with his long-term boyfriend because he fell out of love. After four years, after millions of promises of staying together for the rest of their lives, Hyunjin is about to break up those promises.

Hyunjin is about to break Jisung’s heart, after making himself a promise of not hurting Jisung in any way. He’s about to break his own promise, about to become the one who will cause Jisung pain.

And oh, God, he hates himself so much for it.

Hyunjin arrives to the third floor and is quickly in front of Jisung’s door, hesitating of entering his code, the one he knows by heart. Hyunjin calls Jisung’s apartment his own home sometimes, with how much time he has spent on it since he moved out of the university’s dorms with Chan. They were supposed to move in together at first, but after long talks they decided to just have their own separate apartments for a while before making that big step into their relationship.

Moving in together. Another thing they won’t make a reality.

He sighs, and types the code into the keyboard. The door opens and Hyunjin enters, finding Jisung sitting at the couch.

“Oh, baby, you’re here,” he smiles softly, and Hyunjin closes the door after him. “Come, sit next to me.”

Hyunjin does as told, and as he’s sitting next to Jisung, the black haired male takes his hand, and Hyunjin wants to cry because it definitely doesn’t feel like before. Oh, God, he hates himself so much.

Why did he had to fall out of love? Why did no one told him before that this was a possibility? That love could end all out of a sudden?

“I think we need to talk about us… I know you told me we were okay a few days ago, but you’ve been acting so weird lately and it’s worrying me. This isn’t you, Hyunjin, so please tell me, is everything okay?”

_No, it is not_ , Hyunjin wants to say. He wants to let go of his hands and tell him he isn’t in love anymore, that he wants to break up, that he hasn’t been happy with him as before, but… it is hard. 

How do you tell the person you, once believed, would love forever that you don’t love them anymore?

Before he can stop them, the tears come out again, and Hyunjin is sobbing, letting go of Jisung’s hands to cover his face and cry into his hands.

“Jinnie,” he hears Jisung, and the nickname, the way Jisung says his name, with so much care, makes Hyunjin cry harder. “Jinnie, baby, please, is everything okay with us?”

Hyunjin shakes his head, his face still covered, not being able to look at Jisung. The other male sighs and places his hand on Hyunjin’s knee, giving light touches to the skin over his jeans. “Then, will you tell me what happened? You need to trust me, Hyunjin, we’re a couple for a reason. Anything that happens, we will fix it together, right?”

And Hyunjin finally snaps. He gets up, his face red, and stands in front of Jisung, barely able to look at him. 

“No, we cannot fix this,” he says, his voice hoarse. Jisung looks shocked, and arches a brow. “We-I mean, this, us, this isn’t working anymore, Jisung.”

The realization dawns on Jisung’s face as Hyunjin breathes out the next words, the words he has been dying to say for months finally coming out.

“We need to break up.”

\--

The sun was shining and Jisung was beaming, hands clasped together as they walked across the park and Jisung finally asked him out. “Be my boyfriend, please.”

“What?” Hyunjin, at first, didn’t believe it. He had been waiting for that moment for months, and has dreamed of it, over candles and a fancy dinner and even a fake silver ring that you could buy on a fast fashion store, but never like that. So randomly but still special. Hyunjin would discover a few months later that it was, indeed, so Jisung to do. And they were, also, broke high schoolers that still lived with his parents that couldn’t even cook toast without burning the entire kitchen. “Are you serious, Jisungie?”

Jisung laughed and stopped in his tracks, pulling Hyunjin closer and intertwining their free hands. “I’ve been wondering on how to do this for months but I honestly cannot hold it anymore. I love you Hwang Hyunjin, I really do. I know… I know we’re young, we’re just seventeen and dumb and I probably don’t know what love really is and we still have more life to live but I want to do all of it with you by my side. As my boyfriend,” he said, all in a breath, and looked at Hyunjin right in the eyes. Hyunjin was about to melt on the grass, honestly. “Be mine, please?”

Jisung loves him. Jisung, the boy he had been gushing over for months, loves him back. A big smile was drawn on Hyunjin’s face as he nodded enthusiastically, giggling uncontrollably.

Jisung loves him back. Jisung loves him. Probably as much as Hyunjin does.

“I love you, too,” he finally confessed, whispering, even though he wanted to scream out he was in love and the boy he loved loves him back. Even if they were young, even if they were only seventeen, Hyunjin knew that what he felt for Jisung is like nothing he had ever felt in his entire life for anyone. “Yes, I’ll be your boyfriend, Jisungie. Forever and always.”

\--

“What?”

“We need to break up,” he repeats, like it doesn’t hurt him everytime he says it. Jisung looks confused, more confused than hurt, but there’s something in his eyes that makes Hyunjin’s knees weak and almost fall onto his knees on the floor. “I’m so sorry, I really am, Jisung…” Hyunjin’s legs finally give up, and he falls onto the floor and starts sobbing even harder, all under the shocked look of Jisung. He wants to scream and he needs Jisung, he needs Jisung’s arms around him and his soft, soothing voice reminding him that it isn’t his fault, that he understands, that they won’t drift apart. 

He understands, too, if Jisung doesn’t even want to get near him. He has took his heart, the one Jisung gave him all those years ago, and is currently ripping it apart, slowly, in front of him. Hyunjin is taking one by one all of the pieces Jisung has left in him, breaking him as well.

“Jinnie,” he hears, very close to him, and Hyunjin opens his eyes to see Jisung kneeling in front of him, holding his face with so much care and slowly wiping the tears that don’t seem to stop falling. “Jinnie, why are you sorry? We can fix this, whatever is happening to you, to us, I know-”

“No, Jisung, you don’t understand,” Hyunjin interrupts him, his voice breaking on the last syllable. He takes a deep breath before continuing to talk, before saying the words that he was so afraid of saying. “I-I don’t love you anymore.”

A long silence follow those words, only broken by Hyunjin crying. He doesn’t dare to look at Jisung. He doesn’t wants to. He refuses to look at him, to see how did he broke him, to see the result of his actions. To see how all of his beautiful relationship, something he once built so slowly over the course of four years, falls apart in seconds all because of a few words.

After what feels like hours, Jisung talks again. “Jinnie… are-are you serious?” he asks, and Hyunjin nods, repeating a lot of ‘ _I’m sorry_ ’s under his breath. “For how long?”

“Ever-ever since the past month. That’s why I’ve been acting so strange-I’m really sorry, Jisung, I swear… I’m so sorry,” he answers, his glance still fixed on the floor, not feeling brave enough to look at Jisung.

“Jinnie…” Jisung answers after a few minutes, wiping a few tears from Hyunjin’s cheeks. He, still, treats him with so much care, like he isn’t being broken, like Hyunjin isn’t ripping his heart off with all of those words. “Why did you wait so long? Have you been hurting for that long all by yourself?”

There he is, selfless Jisung, thinking about Hyunjin’s pain more than his own. He starts crying again, and Jisung quickly starts making soothing sounds, trying to calm him down, but it only makes him cry more. He doesn’t deserve that at all. “I didn’t-I didn’t want to lose you,” he says finally after a few minutes, breathing deeply. “You were-you are my best friend, before everything, you are that, and I-I just couldn’t-couldn’t imagine a life without you. So I tried to hold on, I even tried to convince myself it was a bad streak in our relationship, just something of a few days, but it wasn’t, and I-” he breaks down again, sobbing uncontrollably. He just doesn’t want to lose Jisung.

Surprisingly, Jisung chuckles, and Hyunjin slowly looks up at him. Jisung isn’t crying, but his eyes are watery and Hyunjin can see the way he’s breaking down inside, but doesn’t show up just yet. He’s being surprisingly calm for someone that’s getting their heart broken in that exact moment.

“Hyunjinnie, look at me,” he says, a soft smile drawn on his lips. “You won’t lose me, okay? You’re my best friend, before all, too,” Hyunjin feels relieved after hearing that, and even lets out a small laugh after that. “I’ll… just need some time, because I still love you… but I won’t ever leave you, okay, Hyunjin? I’m just gonna need some time. I think… I think it’ll be better for the both of us if we pretend we’re just strangers again.”

He doesn’t want to. He wants Jisung by his side, even when they’re both heartbroken, to help each other, still has hopes of him falling in love again with Jisung, but he understands that the more time Jisung spends next to him, knowing that Hyunjin isn’t in love with him anymore, will be just torture.

_It’s time_ , he says to himself. It’s time to let go.

“I’m sorry,” Hyunjin says again, and Jisung shakes his head.

“It’s okay,” Jisung says, caressing his cheek softly. “Actually… before you have to go, can you do me a last favor?” he asks, and Hyunjin nods. “Can… can you kiss me? For the last time?”

Hyunjin knows he should say no, he should tell him that’ll just hurt them both, that that won’t help his healing, but Jisung’s doe eyes are pleading and Hyunjin will always have that as a weakness. So he grabs his face, looks at him, at those beautiful doe eyes he once loved so much. Hyunjin hopes someone can love those eyes in a near future.

And so, he kisses him, for the last time. For all those times they kissed over the course of four years, for all those times they had, for all of the joyful moments.

It’s bittersweet, and it tastes salty because of the tears, and Jisung pulls out almost immediately. Hyunjin feels his cheeks wet and he tries to wipe Jisung’s tears, but the younger pulls away.

“I’m-I’m sorry, Hyunjin, I think… I think you need to go now,” he says, his voice small and slightly broken. Hyunjin doesn’t wants to, he wants to stay, to help Jisung heal, to be there as the best friend he is now, but Jisung stands up before Hyunjin can try and wipe off his tears. “I’m sorry, I-I need the space. Right now. We’ll be okay, I promise, I just-”

Hyunjin stands up and looks at his now ex-boyfriend. His tear stained cheeks, his uneven breathing, and reaches out to hold his hand, squeezing it tightly. “I understand.”

Jisung smiles, and then slowly frees his hand from Hyunjin’s hold. That’s his cue to leave, Hyunjin thinks, and he looks for the last time at the person he once called home.

At the person he once loved so much he thought it was going to last forever.

He turns around and slowly walks to the door, tears non-stop as he realizes that, once he walks out of that apartment, he won’t have a boyfriend anymore.

“Hey, baby,” he hears, when he’s already at the door, and he turns around to see Jisung smiling at him. “Thank you. You gave me the best four years of my life.”

Hyunjin, despite the tears, smiles at him too. “Thank you, too, sunshine. I have never been so happy as I was these past four years with you.”

The nicknames hurt him, more than he can even imagine, but Jisung still keeps the smile, and waves his hand at him, as a way to say goodbye.

Hyunjin waves his hand at him too, and finally turns around and steps out of the apartment. He closes the door after him and forces himself to keep going, even when every step hurts, even when the tears are falling and even when he hears loud sobbing that can only belong to Jisung.

He forces himself to start moving on.

**Author's Note:**

> i appreciate any criticism as long as it'll help me improve as a writer (⌒‿⌒)


End file.
